Why Scorpios Shouldn’t Play Santa and Every Family Needs Libra at the Table

Once upon a time shepherds watched their sheep at night but now we all have Netflix, which the zodiacal ram pathologically hates because it’s all about the big night, baby.

Some people spend the summer with the flow. The Torrances spend their summer at a luxury beach they booked 11 months ago. It has a la Carneau custom stove, high-thread-count sheets and private beach access. Put this cat in a china shop and it will go straight to Vera Wang Wedwood. Turin loves money, shopping and sex – and they’re happiest when they can do all three in the comfort of their own brand new Mario Bellini Camalanda reproduction sofas at home.

Any star sign is dreaming of a white Christmas. When the zodiac’s party girl says “let it snow,” she’s definitely not envisioning hot cocoa in Wisconsin. Geminis need speed. They talk fast and act fast. They don’t settle for long and are at least three stories ahead of everyone else. If you make a Gemini at Secret Santa, buy them a box of griffin patterns. Nothing pleases this mercurial soul more than lots of options. (Also, they eat all their advent calendar lollies on November 30.)

You know those Christmas movies where Leo goes home for the holidays with big hair and a bad boyfriend and reconnects with the friend who never left the small town and a shoebox of high school memories for Leo to reminisce about. That even if they had braces and sucked on acne and lacrosse, they were still people who loved them? yes. That friend is cancer. Astrologers can be a bit hot and cold, but they are also emotional, loyal to a fault and they never throw anything away. (Just by confirming, you will register your own scented candle.)

One is never too old to take a favorite Christmas story and turn it into suburban background music. Pull out a mildewy beanbag for the performance of a lifetime, scheduled for shortly after and before your sister collapses into perimenopausal tears (with the help of the blood sugar effects of an entire box of After-Eats and the helped by). Lewis is a natural actor. They have adapted the script, written the songs and, naturally, they will lead. difficult Definitely a Christmas story. Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**er!!!! (Sung in the voice of silent night)

Astrologically speaking, Virgo is a virgin and, if you know your December vision, you will be aware of the importance of this concept at Christmas. More broadly, Virgos are known for their elegance, beauty and attention to detail. They have a place for everything and everything is in its place, mostly because they’ve spent weeks organizing a seating plan, matching hand-calligraphed place cards and Peter Alexander Grinch ones. Forgot your one? No problem, the bride absolutely bought an extra one.

Drawn to balance and harmony, Christmas can be a troubled time for the Libran soul. Help children satisfy their natural desire to keep the peace by serving nothing but champagne and strawberries for breakfast, allowing children to eat morning tea and lunch as late as 3 p.m. Libran is a peacemaker and, with just the right amount of pavlova and a strategic deployment of inflatable air mattresses to visit relatives, this sleep-deprived, sugar-laden family Christmas could be their nuclear moment.

You asked them to make Nana’s special Edmond’s Custard Powder and they showed up with a black forest gateau. You tell them Cousin Bradley has a nut allergy and they think a couple of almonds sprinkled on top of the Christmas tiramisu will be fine. Now the whole family is at A&E and you’ve seen enough Anatomy of the brain To find out exactly why the holiday special Scorpio has gone to check out the supply closet. This star sign is darker, darker and more mischievous than the rest. If a Scorpio offers to play office Santa, take our advice and say, “Ho-ho-no.”

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)

Turkey is dry, mom and dad have always hated your boyfriends, and the best date on those pies was December 24. Sagittarians are walking truth bombs. Send them out of the room when your 6-year-old starts pondering the truth about Santa, but bring them back for Christmas crackers—their sense of humor and delight in the absurd is as vulnerable as their tongue.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)

You promised the kids that the nativity scene is made entirely of gingerbread and nobody likes the taste of Cadbury Rose, but now it’s the night before Christmas and there’s a greater chance that the kids will witness the birth of the bride. . Phone a Capricorn. Disciplined, persistent, and extremely task-oriented, this is the star sign that will create a replica Mindy Barn that you can list on Airbnb. Is that a real little stained glass window installed in the cupola? No, just a Turkish delight, sucked clean and sliced ​​extremely thin.

Aquarians are eccentric and idealistic. They are a bit cocky and very independent. They are known, astrologically, as “water chariots” and are often depicted with a large earthen vessel, thought to resemble the ancient Greeks filled with wine. Aquarians are outspoken, independent thinkers and may be alcoholics. Put them next to Uncle Kevin from Canterbury. If anyone can meaningfully engage with the virtues of the three waters, it is an Aquarian.

December is tough for the most sensitive sign of the zodiac. Each radio station is based on weather forecast. Mummy is kissing Santa, Elvis Presley is singing the Christmas blues, the Pogues are defaming literally everyone and the fragile Piscean is just one mean kicker joke away from losing the plot and burning their gratitude journal. (Psst: What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf? You’re the last season!)

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